Dear Concerned Family Member,

When trying to deal with a loved one who is actively using drugs or alcohol, suffering from an emotional illness, or both of these problems, we try everything we can think of to help them. There are many ways in which we try to control their behaviors, usually by the time a person enters treatment, we have exhausted ourselves and don't know what to do or not to do. There are no easy answers to the question of how to act or what to do when you see someone you love on a self-destructive downward spiral.

To help provide you some guidance during this difficult time we are providing you a list of things to try and things to avoid. This will not solve all your problems, but it is a great place to start taking steps in the right direction. It is important to remember that although the things to avoid feel right at the time, they are guaranteed not to help the situation and often make things worse. On the other hand, the things we suggest you try may feel strange at first, but used consistently over time can make a difference.

Avoid regarding your loved one's problem as a disgrace. Addiction is a disease, which no one chooses to have.

Try to learn all you can about addiction and/or emotional illness. Libraries have books on these topics and there are many inexpensive books at larger book stores. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon groups also offer literature.

Avoid nagging, preaching, lecturing, moralizing, blaming, threatening, or arguing. You may feel better for the moment, but the situation will remain unchanged, or may even get worse.

Try to be clear with your loved one about what behavior is acceptable to you, what is not acceptable, and what the consequences of unacceptable behavior will be. If you are unsure where to draw the line a counselor, clergyman, or qualified support group can clarify any issues or questions before you discuss them with your loved one.

Avoid allowing yourself to cover up for your loved one or not follow through with the consequence for unacceptable behavior. It may make it easier to deal with at the moment but it will actually lead to your loved one continuing with unacceptable behaviors.

Try to hold your loved one accountable for his behaviors and let him suffer the consequences of those behaviors. People generally ask for help when they recognize the negative consequences of their behavior, they won't recognize this if they never face the negative consequences.

Avoid using "if you loved me" as a bargaining appeal. Since addiction and/or emotional illness cannot be controlled by willpower, this approach only increases your loved one's guilt. It would be like saying "if you really loved me you wouldn't have diabetes."

Try to assure your loved one of your love and concern for his/her welfare, but make it clear that you will do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself and other family members.

Try to sit down with an objective advisor and decide what you are willing to do to take care of your loved one, you must draw the line so that you don't neglect other obligations, yourself or other family members.

Avoid protecting a newly recovering person form difficult situations and don't do for him/her what they need to do for themselves. You cannot be in recovery for your loved one, so don't try to remove the obstacles for him/her. Let your loved one face the problem, solve it, or face the consequences.

Try to get involved with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon group. You need support and as much help as your loved one does. These groups are there to help you, not criticize, judge, or tell you what to do, but to help guide and counsel so you can decide what is best for you and your family.

Above all, don't put off facing the reality of the situation. Your loved one's problems are not anyone's fault. Just as it is their responsibility to work on his/her recovery and/or emotional illness, it is your responsibility to recognize these problems and the effects on you and begin helping yourself.

Sincerely,
Roxbury Treatment Team